Saturday, November 24, 2012

So it's been a while...

Dear Self,

So much has happened over the last year and a half!  I don't even know if I can put into words the events that have occurred and the lessons that have been learned.  I don't know if I really want to....  How can I describe the feeling of being so sure of your future one minute, and having your plans erased in a matter of a few hours?  My hopes and desires were in the process of being fulfilled. I was happy and ecstatic and grateful for all that was happening!

And then it ended.  By my choice.  I chose to walk away from it all.  Can you believe that?? I chose to step away from what my heart told me was perfection.  I should have run. I should have run far away because, being only a step away, it was too tempting to return to the ease and simplicity of what had been.  I am gradually letting the hope and dream of that possible future fade.  The happiness and joy I felt would not have lasted.  It would have disintegrated in the face of real trial and hardship.

In my head, I believe that I will be happy again.  I will find a supreme happiness that will truly last forever.

But my heart is really being stubborn about things.  It refuses to give up so easily.  It is straining to hold onto the contentment and joy it was feeling.  So how do I reconcile the two?  It's a question that has pervaded society since the dawn of time.  I have come to believe that only time can bring about the changes of heart that are necessary to development and growth.  Advice from friends and family can help.  Finding new hobbies can help.  Blatant distractions from dwelling on the past can help. Self-reflection can help.  But all of that will not change your heart any faster than it wants to change itself.  It will take all the time it needs.  And it will take only the time it needs.

I cannot adequately explain it all in words.  But then again, you know exactly how I feel.


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