Big purchase

I just bought this sweet piece of metal called a Nissan Rogue.  Any ideas on what to name her?

So it's been a while...

Dear Self,

So much has happened over the last year and a half!  I don't even know if I can put into words the events that have occurred and the lessons that have been learned.  I don't know if I really want to....  How can I describe the feeling of being so sure of your future one minute, and having your plans erased in a matter of a few hours?  My hopes and desires were in the process of being fulfilled. I was happy and ecstatic and grateful for all that was happening!

And then it ended.  By my choice.  I chose to walk away from it all.  Can you believe that?? I chose to step away from what my heart told me was perfection.  I should have run. I should have run far away because, being only a step away, it was too tempting to return to the ease and simplicity of what had been.  I am gradually letting the hope and dream of that possible future fade.  The happiness and joy I felt would not have lasted.  It would have disintegrated in the face of real trial and hardship.

In my head, I believe that I will be happy again.  I will find a supreme happiness that will truly last forever.

But my heart is really being stubborn about things.  It refuses to give up so easily.  It is straining to hold onto the contentment and joy it was feeling.  So how do I reconcile the two?  It's a question that has pervaded society since the dawn of time.  I have come to believe that only time can bring about the changes of heart that are necessary to development and growth.  Advice from friends and family can help.  Finding new hobbies can help.  Blatant distractions from dwelling on the past can help. Self-reflection can help.  But all of that will not change your heart any faster than it wants to change itself.  It will take all the time it needs.  And it will take only the time it needs.

I cannot adequately explain it all in words.  But then again, you know exactly how I feel.

-Self

A dear friend

I'm going to a wedding reception/open house tonight.  A friend I've known since 6th grade was married last month in Seattle.  Hooray for him!
When I returned home from my mission, we became really close friends.  After a brief falling out, we became even closer friends.  I came to rely on his wisdom, his calmness, and his assurance that everything would work out ok for me.  I trusted him with my insecurities and fears and listened to his in return.  When he moved to Seattle, we kept up our conversations by phone.  For a while.  But those conversations became less frequent as time went on.  I guess that's a pretty normal thing to happen in a long-distance friendship, but recognizing that loss makes me melancholy.  I found this poem online that kind of expresses how I'm feeling about this.  Maybe I'll write my own someday, but for now this one will have to do:

We Have Drifted

Remember all the times
we stayed up just talking about useless stuff
remember all the times
we used to call each other saying like wasn't enough

remember I was the one
you`d tell everything to ?
remember when
we always had something together to do

Remember all the laughs we shared
all the fights and crying we did in the past
Remember we said this friendship
would always last

No more do we share those laughs
no more do we share those cries
what was once such a great friendship has drifted
into two separate lives


I want to emphasize that I am so happy for this friend.  He has found love and held on to it and for this, his will have an amazing life.  We may not talk as much as we once did, but we will always be friends.

untitled

The solid shadow stalks me. 

Always following, I can’t shake its cold touch.

Its black shape makes me cringe. 

It dogs my steps and its pursuit is relentless.

They say that the darker the shadow, the brighter the light behind. 

That seems logical, but I haven’t been able to turn myself around to find out if it’s true.

Why is it so hard to look away from the fear that follows me? 

It threatens to overtake me.

But remember that the shadow only moves forward as I retreat.

I gather my courage.  I turn around. 

Walking forward into the light, I am filled with warmth. 

The darkness is no longer a concern. 

The light brightens my eyes, dries my fearful tears.

I'm a Winner!

I totally won this today.  I NEVER win anything!!

Happiness

  

"Nice crispy bacon.."

Old books, new books, good books.

Moving my body gracefully

 The way heels make me feel

A decadent cup of HoCho

Brand new hoodies

 Daylilies

Motorcycle rides 

 Movies and the popcorn that goes with them

 RBF

 Lake Powell sunsets

A good game of volleyball

Head vs. Heart

So…here’s another one.  Pretty cheesy.  But that’s me!

The view from up here is clear.  I have the eyes to see and the ears to hear.

My perspective is uninhibited.  My eyes and ears are open to the truth.

You sit there in your warm cage, beating your love song rhythms.

You’d rather hope for your fairy-tale ending than accept truthful logic.

Why won’t you listen to me?

If I always listened to you, life would be bleak.  No light, no love, no learning.

You can see and hear, but I can feel.

I am like an old treasure chest: stubborn and difficult to open, afraid to be hurt,

but once open, stubborn and difficult to close, preferring pain to numbness.

I wait for the time when I can open wide and feel everything.

I will share my whole self without fear.  I won’t have to get it back.  I won’t want to get it back.

That time will come.  Your logic means nothing compared to reciprocated love.